Yesterday once more

Yesterday felt like a replay of the famous Carpenters' ballad, 'yesterday once more', as I was suddenly filled with the snapshots of the past which just came rushing into the mind. It almost felt like I was traversing through time as I flipped through the photos when snippets of the past first appeared in my mind. (Chronologically, the memories came to my mind before I started locating the photos to revive the past sentiments)

I was overcame with nostalgia, and it brought smiles and giggles as I recalled the remnants from my own past, while tiny tears formed at the side of my eyes too. Most of the memories which came back were the happy ones, though there are bits and pieces which did tug a little at the heartstrings for they held that tiny part of weight deep down inside. Questions of what-ifs do come into my mind once in a while, but they are just there like passing clouds for I do know that the past will always be the past and today is based on the decisions we made back then. It is inevitable regret will creep in once in a while but nothing can change the past, and I can only focus on the present, with the lessons learnt from the past to make the future a better one. The future is the one that I should be focused on and the future depends on what I do today and to avoid regrets, the only way is to truly cherish the present and make decisions for the upcoming future.

Memories are what made us who we are today; our thoughts, our character and our personality are all formed from the events of the past. They should be regarded with amusement and part of our learning curve as we should only look forward to the future. God gave us eyes to look in front; which is why our eyes are located at the front and not at the back, to avoid always being hung up on the past.
We have all been through the good and bad times; which is the main reason we have learnt to smile, to frown, and to silently cry. The good and the bad are there to teach us about emotions, and that the journey of life will always be filled with bends and turns, but there will be rainbows and sunshines, and many other little things which can just turn that curve on our lips upward.

Time really flies as I looked back at some of things which have happened; for instance, even in the past year. I have gotten back to working in the field which I thought I have left and had the busiest year and a half which I am still wondering at the way I survived the time. It was a bittersweet experience and while I have been through the tough times, I realized that there were silver linings as I have found the ones who truly cared and will stand by me in times of good and bad without question. Besides I have also filled in the blanks with more experiences and left footprints in the lives of others; having had theirs in mine too. I have met people whom I may not have known had I not taken that chance, or if I had just given up. I had formed strong friendships alongside the working relationship and even though we may be apart now, we are still very much attached to that bond we had formed in the past year.

Work, life, relationships and friendships and all the events just came like it was being played on the a slideshow. Perhaps I should thank my memory power for being able to recall even the smallest details which some of my friends have even forgotten. I am a very sentimental person, and I hold each of the bits and pieces of my life with so much emotion that sometimes I find it hard to let go of the things in life. It could be that I am too determined in part, and there are times when I just hold strongly to my beliefs. It is just the way it is with my life, I always regard everything with a serious attitude, and sometimes, it is this which could end up bogging me down and hurt myself in the process.
Well, at least it is something which I have learnt to deal with and understand, and am now learning to let go, slowly.

I don't let go of my memories though; no, they are, in my mind, one of the most beautiful part of me for they are truly what formed me today. I love remembering the stories from the past, and the things I have been through with the many people whom I have crossed path with. From childhood, school, university, my first job...nothing can take all these away, nor can they be deleted just with a click. I treasure these memories with all my heart.

I have learnt to laugh so hard that it is hard to breathe; with the funny and ridiculous jokes that I have heard...
I have learnt to hold back my tears and not let them flow down to show weakness. It was difficult, but I am determined not to be weak and I had to hold them back even though they were filling my eyes to the brim that I had to even hold back from blinking or breathing...
I have learnt to take a deep breath and walk away from an argument, even though I know the other party is on the wrong and I am right (and I do not like to back down when I am right, but I did)...
I have learnt to just ignore and block out the messages which are meant to hurt me, and just take a deep breath, telling myself that it is just part and parcel of life...
I have learnt to look straight at the people in my eye and show them I am not afraid of them even if they try to create fear in me
I have learnt to let go of the extra baggage that I do not want carry any longer
I have learnt to just let myself go and cry as hard as I can, to myself, in my car, and somewhere in my secret hiding place
I have learnt to swallow my tears and muster up the courage to smile even though deep down inside it hurts
I have learnt to accept things that cannot be changed and not myself be affected by them
I have learnt that there are just things which are beyond my control and I do not need to even try to control
I have learnt to forget things which have happened, and I am still trying to learn to forgive
I have learnt to let go of the things which didn't matter and to bury the deep scars
I have learnt that feelings are beautiful and they come and go, for we are just human beings
I have learnt that I need to love myself before loving others, and for others to love me
I have learnt to smile at myself each day because I am worth it

There are just so many more things that I have learnt and I am still learning along the way.....and there will be no end to the learning as I am faced with all the different and unpredictable situations which will continue to head my way.
There is no sure way to say that there won't be anymore tears or anger, but I am ready for them for I will just counter them with my own way....to be positive and brave.

Yesterday I was just naive
Yesterday I believed that everyone was good in their own nature and not evil
Yesterday I find it hard to really place trust in someone besides myself
Yesterday I felt hurt by the people who did not care and showed their true nature
Yesterday I saw hope and love in those who showed up in times of need
Yesterday I smiled because it is going to be alright today
Yesterday I looked forward to today because I know that time will always heal
Yesterday I laughed because of all the goofy things I did and believed was cool
Yesterday I smiled because I was filled with hope with what tomorrow would bring
Yesterday I wiped away a tear when people weren't watching
Yesterday I had so much fun with the people who shared the same vision and passion with me
Yesterday I drifted apart from some of the people from the past who judged me
Yesterday I made decisions by asking for His guidance

There are so much more which had taken place yesterday, but they are all in the past and they will always be a part of my past. It will always be a secret part of me, but all there to make me better and to tickle me to see the beauty and ugliness of what I had been through.
Today is what I am going to do and how I want to make myself happier

Tomorrow is something I cannot see just yet, but I am sure it will not be an easy road because that is just life...and the only way to make it easier, is to just be brave, and smile to take on that challenge!
After all, no one ever said life is going to be easy...and the best we can do is to make it the best for ourselves!
So, Smile, laugh, cry, shout, get angry, get goofy, (but don't go killing people), let your hair down once in a while and life will be a cool roller coaster ride~ :-)

Missing all the memories from the past...maybe I should write a letter to my future self, based on the memories I am creating today for tomorrow~

Defying the Laws of Humanity

It is that time when questions are starting to head directly at that point above the bridge of your nose when you have passed that particular mark of entering the world of marriage.
Typically the grace period is granted by merciful in laws and elders for a few months and maybe a year (if you are really really fortunate) where the couple is left alone understandably to enjoy the honeymoon mood and the intimacy of the early years of their marriage.
Not for long, as the curiosity and the overly concerned people surrounding the couple's lives form this invisible circle around them; throwing question one after another at the two people and the big question, "When are you planning to conceive?"

No offense, but what, is this any business of anyone except the couple, really?

Perhaps there is a hint of exasperation and annoyance in my above statement as I am currently a victim of harassment on the topic of childbearing.
Talks of prime childbearing age, and how children would be a delightful addition to our lives, not to mention the growing up of the child versus our aging are just things that I have grown so familiar to as it was constantly preached to me by various non-medical experts on the matter; or 'concerned' parties as you may say. I am not swearing any of them off, nor am I deliberately writing a post to criticize people for advising me to have a child as this is not an unusual situation and I am definitely not the only one in the world who has faced this situation before. I have indeed heard of worse pestering by the society, family and relatives on this subject of productivity and heaven forbid if they have been married for quite a number of years; i.e: 3 years and above.
It is like this taboo, or an unspoken rule that a couple is to obey to conceive and start a family within one or two years of marriage to be considered as normal or even acceptable by the standards of the society. Otherwise, they will be shunned or even perceived as medically unfit due to their non parental status while the rest of the world are already busy showing off their children.
While I may sound frustrated with these endless questions (and I know they will just keep on coming, people just don't get it - it's easier for me to take up nuclear or rocket science, honestly), I have started looking into this topic from various perspectives; from the aspects of childbearing to the communication and expectations of the society. It is a myriad of questions and answers; and one like most things in the world - where there is no definite wrong or right. It is more of a retrospective outlook from my own eyes to zoom into the whole topic from the common (yet uncommon) angle.

It is astonishing for myself to come to the realization that I have written about this topic more than once - I am not sure whether it has really bothered me more than I really thought it would but I would say that it has opened up a a few different perspectives this round.
For instance, what defines the childbearing age? Is it purely by the demands of the biological clock or the pressure from the society? (Of course the biological clock is also subject to the medical advisory of the best recommended age for conception due to health reasons).
Based on the medical experts' recommendations, the ideal childbearing age would be between 18-35 for women where this is the period of time when women are said to be at the prime of their health to bear a child. That did not mean that women above 35 should not have children; but based on studies and data collection, it appears that women who are pregnant or conceives after the range of the recommended ages are more likely to face the risks of pregnancy or birth implications.
Logically, this would be one of the more acceptable reasoning behind those anxiety surrounding parents when it comes to questioning the family planning the couple probably had.

Tagging along the above, the prime age for the childbearing does not only relate to the smooth delivery or birth process but also the ages when the parents are deemed fit to care for and to share in the growing up process of the child.
We are often encouraged to marry at a younger age and have kids as soon as possible so that when we are not too old when our kids are growing up. We would also be around when our kids are getting married or start their own families in the future. It is like this telescopic view into the future to ensure that continuity of life and that there is no disconnection in between. True enough, the future generation would love to have their parents around and I am sure we would love to live to see our next generation.
Another rationale behind the need to have children at that prime age so that the age gap between the parent and the child would not differ on a large scale.

Fair enough, the above are probably the main reasons we are surrounded by the endless chatters and concerns showered by all the loved ones around us. Age, ability to care for and the livelihood of the family to stay together are just the main reasons to name a few.

Putting aside the concerns on the age and medical reasons, how about the psychological aspect of childbearing and family planning? As in mental preparation? Is the couple ready mentally and physically to have a child?
Most would answer, "Why not? Everyone does it!" as opposed to, "Maybe not, I still need some time"
The thing is, having a child is not as simple as just going through an intercourse to produce a baby and then duty done, to shut those wagging tongues around them.
Having a kid is a responsibility; it should be viewed as one important task on hand to care for, nurture and educate a future contributor to the nation.
Due to the biological factors, sometimes couples are just hurrying or even racing against the ticking clock and to avoid the incessant nagging to have a child. Perhaps it was for the sake of getting it over with? They may not even be ready to face the possibility of welcoming a new member into the family; or the thoughts of what awaits them upon the arrival of the child. Everything would just go with the flow; baby born, someone takes care of the child, husband and wife go back to work, they see and snap photos of the child on weekends to be posted on social networking sites and then child grows up, etc. Simple, right? How difficult can that be?

They could still go on vacations with each other and maybe with the child or they would even love to enjoy activities which help them to relax and unwind after their stressful time at work. Come business trip, they hand the child over to their parents (if they are around) or somehow find a babysitter or daycare to help them care for the child in their absence.
It all looked pretty normal and socially acceptable to them; simply because, that is how everyone has been doing it all this time.
I am not here to say whether it is wrong or right, for each situation calls for a unique perspective and again, I am not about to judge others' on their lifestyles.

To me, I just wonder, as I slip myself into the child's shoes, just how much do I get to see my parents each day? How much do they really care about me? Is their work or money more important than me?
I don't think my parents love me that much, if work clearly takes up so much of their time.
Not every child may think like this, and do not ever expect the child to understand that the reason you are working so hard to earn money is to provide for a better living . They will not understand at that age.
I was one of those fortunate kids who had a mother who cared for me, and I had my mum to tend to me upon my return from school each day. She was no working mum, but she was not inferior to other mothers in any way. In fact, I felt my mum worked harder than the mums who held office jobs.

Caring for a child is a responsibility that ought to be taken up by the people who have decided to brought the child into the world. It is not a task to complete but rather that part of life to live and breathe in. Mental preparation is important to truly welcome that new addition to your lives (not just family) and that the child will be a part of you from then on.
It is an important thing to remember and yet so easily overlooked.
Also, once you have entered into that mental preparation stage, do not forget about the finances. Nothing is free in this world anyway.

I look around me these days and I noticed that almost everyone around me is having a baby; a newborn, celebrating their first birthday/100 days, first walk/tooth, first word, and the list just goes on and on. Photos on social media sites; and don't mind me saying, it is like a competition out there or just a major invisible shout out, "Hey, LOOK at my baby!!!"
This whole phenomenon screams immense peer pressure, but somehow my hubby and I remain unnerved by it while we are continuously badgered with the questions, "When's your turn?" "Are you planning for one soon?"
It did not help that we explained our crazy and busy work/daily routines where we barely had times for ourselves, let alone each other and then on how we have not really planned or thought about it.
Furthermore, we wanted to just let it be; come what may.
Oh no, that was not acceptable as we were just greeted with frowns and even words like, "Crazy"

It is just unfathomable that we would like to have kids the natural way and everyone thought we are just holding it back or doing something to prevent that from happening. I guess it is just absurd and I did not even want to waste explaining as people who know me would know me best and those who would want to judge me, well, that's entirely their mind and I cannot stop that, as long as I did nothing against my conscience and my religion.
(My religion does not encourage any artificial planning or birth control)

I do not need to explain to anyone regarding my childbearing process as it is most important to reach the mutual understanding with my husband. While it is true that having a child is a wonderful thing, it is not entirely up to us mortals to decide on that as I leave things to Him who dwells above.
I have had friends who had gone through the same traumatizing experience of being hammered mercilessly with questions and remarks on fertility that they were left so embarrassed and humiliated. It is just so insensitive of some people (never mind relatives or friends) who just went a little overboard with their concerns.

The thought of letting it be occurred to me, and together with my husband, we are both fine with the idea of either having or without children. It is just something we just want it to come naturally and not to be forced or succumbed to due to pressure.
Of course, due to my ambitious and achievement focused nature, there were times when I just felt I was not ready for children and sometimes I do wonder too, will I ever be ready? Or maybe I just do not want children?
It does sounds wrong, doesn't it? As the society says, every woman who gets married must bear a child or they are viewed as social outcasts. Never mind the modern age we are living in, it is a wonder and perhaps a blessing that women who do not bear children are no longer divorced or neglected in place of a new wife/concubine who would be brought into the family for the sake of childbearing purpose.

At the same time, I could not help but wonder, perhaps the biggest reason for all the hoo ha about childbearing is not about just having kids as part of the fulfilment of the marriage covenant, but the most important of all, is the continuity of the human race?
It is perhaps the most obvious of all; how else do we ensure that there will still be men and women in the future and that there is a next generation?
Childbearing is indeed important to ensure the continuity of the human race and not having children seems to be an act of defying this ground rule of humanity and productivity and it is no wonder it is constantly being frowned upon.
After all, we were once children before this? Had my parents not want children at that time, would there be me today?
It is a thought to ponder upon, but again, not to be rushed or decided in a haste...but for the sake of humanity?
Now, is that a form of pressure or mental preparation? Go figure....

A little under the weather

I felt really cold last night; despite being extremely busy with the activities that I fill my day with and I remembered feeling perfectly normal just like any other day.
However, the draft from the air-cond send shivers down my spine and then goosebumps started appearing on my hands and I even noticed my fingernails turning a little purplish, and I can tell you that only happens when I am in the office where the place is freezing cold with the A/C turned on the lowest temperature.
I turned off the A/C in the room and snuggled under my woollen blanket, and yet still feeling the chills which came from the windows on the other side of the bed.
My hubby could not feel it; and deduced that it was probably the rotating fan turning around in the ceiling although I felt that it was more towards the cloudy weather yesterday and that the temperature had probably declined.

Well, it didn't matter as I just kept feeling so cold and even today, I just made sure to keep myself warm with a wool knitwear; okay, not too thick or I feel weird given the sunny and tropical weather we have around here on certain days of the week. The weather has been a little crazy lately; what with the haze and the strong sun and then the clouds the next day and then dark clouds signaling the arrival of a storm but then they just got away with a short and sudden downpour which just vanished as quickly as it came.
Anyway, the weather surprises me and annoys me at the same time, and I just wished that it would either shine or rain; I mean, make up its mind as it tends to be really inconvenient for everyone on the road, or even at home as we bear with the high humidity in the air.

This morning, I still felt really fine albeit a little cold still, but it did not bother me until my appointment with my friend and she commented that I was a little warm as I was quite near here. It seemed that she could sense the warmth from my body, and then she touched my skin and she said it was just a little warmer than normal.
I was just telling her about how cold I was feeling the night before, and she just mentioned casually, "Maybe you are having a fever?"

Oh my, I can't believe that I never even thought of that possibility and hearing the words from her suddenly seemed to make sense although the word 'fever' was probably foreign due to its absence for some time; for how long, I can't even remember (it's supposed to be a good thing though) .
I am still striving to believe it, and now it seems like all the signs were evident for the last few days when I started having that disturbance with my nose; it seemed to be a little stuck and runny and I just dismissed it as effects from the lousy and hazy weather we get annually when there are forest fires nearby (did not help that the burning of paper paraphernalia in conjunction with the Chinese' yearly visiting tomb ritual going on at the same time).

Now, I am piecing parts of all the jigsaw puzzles; and even my body is reacting to confirm my, or rather, our suspicions. I am feeling a little tired, suddenly, although I did not do much today and nothing extensively physical, but I kept feeling a little heavy in my head and the bed seemed so welcoming to me; beckoning and opening its arms and there is nothing that I want to do but just enjoy the comforts of the slow pillow on my head along with the soft sheets behind my back while consoling my feet and hands at the same time.
Yes, the bed sounds more appealing right now compared to me tapping my fingers away to write this post...

I think I need to go lie down, just a little while...