Thursday, February 27, 2014

Yesterday once more

Yesterday felt like a replay of the famous Carpenters' ballad, 'yesterday once more', as I was suddenly filled with the snapshots of the past which just came rushing into the mind. It almost felt like I was traversing through time as I flipped through the photos when snippets of the past first appeared in my mind. (Chronologically, the memories came to my mind before I started locating the photos to revive the past sentiments)

I was overcame with nostalgia, and it brought smiles and giggles as I recalled the remnants from my own past, while tiny tears formed at the side of my eyes too. Most of the memories which came back were the happy ones, though there are bits and pieces which did tug a little at the heartstrings for they held that tiny part of weight deep down inside. Questions of what-ifs do come into my mind once in a while, but they are just there like passing clouds for I do know that the past will always be the past and today is based on the decisions we made back then. It is inevitable regret will creep in once in a while but nothing can change the past, and I can only focus on the present, with the lessons learnt from the past to make the future a better one. The future is the one that I should be focused on and the future depends on what I do today and to avoid regrets, the only way is to truly cherish the present and make decisions for the upcoming future.

Memories are what made us who we are today; our thoughts, our character and our personality are all formed from the events of the past. They should be regarded with amusement and part of our learning curve as we should only look forward to the future. God gave us eyes to look in front; which is why our eyes are located at the front and not at the back, to avoid always being hung up on the past.
We have all been through the good and bad times; which is the main reason we have learnt to smile, to frown, and to silently cry. The good and the bad are there to teach us about emotions, and that the journey of life will always be filled with bends and turns, but there will be rainbows and sunshines, and many other little things which can just turn that curve on our lips upward.

Time really flies as I looked back at some of things which have happened; for instance, even in the past year. I have gotten back to working in the field which I thought I have left and had the busiest year and a half which I am still wondering at the way I survived the time. It was a bittersweet experience and while I have been through the tough times, I realized that there were silver linings as I have found the ones who truly cared and will stand by me in times of good and bad without question. Besides I have also filled in the blanks with more experiences and left footprints in the lives of others; having had theirs in mine too. I have met people whom I may not have known had I not taken that chance, or if I had just given up. I had formed strong friendships alongside the working relationship and even though we may be apart now, we are still very much attached to that bond we had formed in the past year.

Work, life, relationships and friendships and all the events just came like it was being played on the a slideshow. Perhaps I should thank my memory power for being able to recall even the smallest details which some of my friends have even forgotten. I am a very sentimental person, and I hold each of the bits and pieces of my life with so much emotion that sometimes I find it hard to let go of the things in life. It could be that I am too determined in part, and there are times when I just hold strongly to my beliefs. It is just the way it is with my life, I always regard everything with a serious attitude, and sometimes, it is this which could end up bogging me down and hurt myself in the process.
Well, at least it is something which I have learnt to deal with and understand, and am now learning to let go, slowly.

I don't let go of my memories though; no, they are, in my mind, one of the most beautiful part of me for they are truly what formed me today. I love remembering the stories from the past, and the things I have been through with the many people whom I have crossed path with. From childhood, school, university, my first job...nothing can take all these away, nor can they be deleted just with a click. I treasure these memories with all my heart.

I have learnt to laugh so hard that it is hard to breathe; with the funny and ridiculous jokes that I have heard...
I have learnt to hold back my tears and not let them flow down to show weakness. It was difficult, but I am determined not to be weak and I had to hold them back even though they were filling my eyes to the brim that I had to even hold back from blinking or breathing...
I have learnt to take a deep breath and walk away from an argument, even though I know the other party is on the wrong and I am right (and I do not like to back down when I am right, but I did)...
I have learnt to just ignore and block out the messages which are meant to hurt me, and just take a deep breath, telling myself that it is just part and parcel of life...
I have learnt to look straight at the people in my eye and show them I am not afraid of them even if they try to create fear in me
I have learnt to let go of the extra baggage that I do not want carry any longer
I have learnt to just let myself go and cry as hard as I can, to myself, in my car, and somewhere in my secret hiding place
I have learnt to swallow my tears and muster up the courage to smile even though deep down inside it hurts
I have learnt to accept things that cannot be changed and not myself be affected by them
I have learnt that there are just things which are beyond my control and I do not need to even try to control
I have learnt to forget things which have happened, and I am still trying to learn to forgive
I have learnt to let go of the things which didn't matter and to bury the deep scars
I have learnt that feelings are beautiful and they come and go, for we are just human beings
I have learnt that I need to love myself before loving others, and for others to love me
I have learnt to smile at myself each day because I am worth it

There are just so many more things that I have learnt and I am still learning along the way.....and there will be no end to the learning as I am faced with all the different and unpredictable situations which will continue to head my way.
There is no sure way to say that there won't be anymore tears or anger, but I am ready for them for I will just counter them with my own be positive and brave.

Yesterday I was just naive
Yesterday I believed that everyone was good in their own nature and not evil
Yesterday I find it hard to really place trust in someone besides myself
Yesterday I felt hurt by the people who did not care and showed their true nature
Yesterday I saw hope and love in those who showed up in times of need
Yesterday I smiled because it is going to be alright today
Yesterday I looked forward to today because I know that time will always heal
Yesterday I laughed because of all the goofy things I did and believed was cool
Yesterday I smiled because I was filled with hope with what tomorrow would bring
Yesterday I wiped away a tear when people weren't watching
Yesterday I had so much fun with the people who shared the same vision and passion with me
Yesterday I drifted apart from some of the people from the past who judged me
Yesterday I made decisions by asking for His guidance

There are so much more which had taken place yesterday, but they are all in the past and they will always be a part of my past. It will always be a secret part of me, but all there to make me better and to tickle me to see the beauty and ugliness of what I had been through.
Today is what I am going to do and how I want to make myself happier

Tomorrow is something I cannot see just yet, but I am sure it will not be an easy road because that is just life...and the only way to make it easier, is to just be brave, and smile to take on that challenge!
After all, no one ever said life is going to be easy...and the best we can do is to make it the best for ourselves!
So, Smile, laugh, cry, shout, get angry, get goofy, (but don't go killing people), let your hair down once in a while and life will be a cool roller coaster ride~ :-)

Missing all the memories from the past...maybe I should write a letter to my future self, based on the memories I am creating today for tomorrow~

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