Monday, March 31, 2014

A Matter of Trust

"Do you think I take too long to trust someone?" 
I turned and shot this question at my partner a few days ago, while we were driving around in the car.
If he seemed surprised at my question, he made no signs of that, as usual.
Unfazed, he just nodded slowly to my statement.

"Do you feel that I don't trust people?"
He hesitated for a while, "Not really"
"What do you mean by 'not really'?"
From his expression, I could tell that he knows I am not going to end this conversation anytime soon, and that he needs to be prepared by more questions coming from me, like an examiner in an English oral examination.

"Well, I guess you do trust people, but you are selective and you need time to really build that trust, compared to other people. Even then, you may still guard your trust to yourself, because it's your character and you just feel that you can never fully trust others. It's not that they are not trustworthy, but you just prefer not to fully trust to avoid getting hurt"
This statement probably spoke my mind, and part of it, I would say is almost true. It almost described the person and my view on trust; then again, partially?

Well, when I asked this question, it was obvious there were thoughts on this running through my mind before and that I know I really cannot expect a right or wrong answer on this; nor can I expect a 100% accurate answer because, frankly, I think even I may not know the real answer to this.
Such are the matters of the heart; the complexity of things from different perspectives.

I admit, I am not a person who trusts easily, and like many out there in the world, trust is just something I regard as precious and important, yet fragile at the same time. Trust, to me, needs to be earned and not simply to be granted to anyone, for there needs to be an observation and evaluation on the person's character before I could begin to trust a little on the surface. Yes, just the basic trust, as I would trust what he/she says about the daily things and their lives, but not to the extent of sharing my own life stories with them. I would probably attribute this to my personality since young where I do not like to talk about my own stories; or things in my life with others, even if they are my closest friends or people around me. It was something which I guarded very carefully, and while I had no problems making friends or building my social circles, I still do not reveal that much about my own personal life. I do not want to wander into the category of over sharing with others.

Don't get me wrong, I have my close circle of friends, those whom I know I could count on and fall back on anytime whenever I need them. They are those who knew me well and through, and in that aspect, they knew this part about me and yet they accepted it as who I really am. There is no qualms from their side to share their lives with me, even if I am not ready to do the same. There is no need to explain if I did not tell them about something which occurred in my life, for they understand that I will talk about it when I am ready to, or if I may never ever want to talk about it. I appreciate the great understanding and patience, and for their support all the while. I never have to worry about being judged by them for not sharing, for they know me well enough to know that it is just my style.
I am also thankful, it is them; and there is more than one whom I could truly call my real friends.

It takes me time, to just delve into my life and with whom I share my stories with. I still believe that people are generally good, but that does not mean that I could trust them with everything that I have, or my life (except for those real friends who won't even bug me for the slightest secret which I did not share with them). I am blessed with wonderful people around me, and I understand sometimes I may frustrate some of them, but it is just something that even I had to deal with. 
Trust, to me, is just so fragile that sometimes I am afraid of it myself. I do not want to get hurt, nobody does anyway, but I just go to my own personal length to protect myself, or safeguard myself a little more than others (perhaps more fiercely so).

I am confined to my own comfort zone; and sometimes I am probably like a bottle; stuffed with so many tiny pieces of paper containing private messages/stories/letters to myself, or about my life that the cork holding it tightly could also burst anytime.
You see, whenever I run into any problem or am unhappy, I don't talk about it. I keep it to myself, and I just keep them all inside. I don't cry in front of others; and even if I am on the verge of tears, I hold it back so fiercely that the tears will only wobble closely at the edge of the eyes. I will not let them fall down the cheeks; no, not in front of people. I could cry to myself, and not let people know about it, because that is the way I handle my own life.
Some say it is not healthy, for I could be doing myself more damage than good when I keep things bottled up. It is better to let it out and let the emotions out so that it could relieve the inner soul of holding so much and yet there is no avenue of relief.
Maybe they are right, maybe they may not be either, for it is really a matter of personal handling when it comes to our own matters.

I am handling things pretty well so far, and I agree, it does not mean that the bubble may never burst, but I am holding well. I tend to move back and forth between trust; where sometimes I have started to trust someone then I may hold back my trust again as though there is an invisible wall between us. I know all about trust; I have read all about them in books (yes, medical and psychology) and I know that the very fact I can even write and share about this, means I am not doing that bad yet.

It is all, again, just a matter of trust....

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