A Matter of Trust

"Do you think I take too long to trust someone?" 

I turned and shot this question at my partner a few days ago, while we were driving around in the car.

If he seemed surprised at my question, he made no signs of that, as usual.

Unfazed, he just nodded slowly to my statement.

"Do you feel that I don't trust people?"

He hesitated for a while, "Not really"

"What do you mean by 'not really'?"

From his expression, I could tell that he knows I am not going to end this conversation anytime soon, and that he needs to be prepared by more questions coming from me, like an examiner in an English oral examination.

"Well, I guess you do trust people, but you are selective and you need time to really build that trust, compared to other people. Even then, you may still guard your trust to yourself, because it's your character and you just feel that you can never fully trust others. It's not that they are not trustworthy, but you just prefer not to fully trust to avoid getting hurt"

This statement probably spoke my mind, and part of it, I would say is almost true. It almost described the person and my view on trust; then again, partially?

Well, when I asked this question, it was obvious there were thoughts on this running through my mind before and that I know I really cannot expect a right or wrong answer on this; nor can I expect a 100% accurate answer because, frankly, I think even I may not know the real answer to this.

Such are the matters of the heart; the complexity of things from different perspectives.

I admit, I am not a person who trusts easily, and like many out there in the world, trust is just something I regard as precious and important, yet fragile at the same time. Trust, to me, needs to be earned and not simply to be granted to anyone, for there needs to be an observation and evaluation on the person's character before I could begin to trust a little on the surface. Yes, just the basic trust, as I would trust what he/she says about the daily things and their lives, but not to the extent of sharing my own life stories with them. I would probably attribute this to my personality since young where I do not like to talk about my own stories; or things in my life with others, even if they are my closest friends or people around me. It was something which I guarded very carefully, and while I had no problems making friends or building my social circles, I still do not reveal that much about my own personal life. I do not want to wander into the category of over sharing with others.

Don't get me wrong, I have my close circle of friends, those whom I know I could count on and fall back on anytime whenever I need them. They are those who knew me well and through, and in that aspect, they knew this part about me and yet they accepted it as who I really am. There is no qualms from their side to share their lives with me, even if I am not ready to do the same. There is no need to explain if I did not tell them about something which occurred in my life, for they understand that I will talk about it when I am ready to, or if I may never ever want to talk about it. I appreciate the great understanding and patience, and for their support all the while. I never have to worry about being judged by them for not sharing, for they know me well enough to know that it is just my style.

I am also thankful, it is them; and there is more than one whom I could truly call my real friends.

It takes me time, to just delve into my life and with whom I share my stories with. I still believe that people are generally good, but that does not mean that I could trust them with everything that I have, or my life (except for those real friends who won't even bug me for the slightest secret which I did not share with them). I am blessed with wonderful people around me, and I understand sometimes I may frustrate some of them, but it is just something that even I had to deal with. 

Trust, to me, is just so fragile that sometimes I am afraid of it myself. I do not want to get hurt, nobody does anyway, but I just go to my own personal length to protect myself, or safeguard myself a little more than others (perhaps more fiercely so).

I am confined to my own comfort zone; and sometimes I am probably like a bottle; stuffed with so many tiny pieces of paper containing private messages/stories/letters to myself, or about my life that the cork holding it tightly could also burst anytime.

You see, whenever I run into any problem or am unhappy, I don't talk about it. I keep it to myself, and I just keep them all inside. I don't cry in front of others; and even if I am on the verge of tears, I hold it back so fiercely that the tears will only wobble closely at the edge of the eyes. I will not let them fall down the cheeks; no, not in front of people. I could cry to myself, and not let people know about it, because that is the way I handle my own life.

Some say it is not healthy, for I could be doing myself more damage than good when I keep things bottled up. It is better to let it out and let the emotions out so that it could relieve the inner soul of holding so much and yet there is no avenue of relief.

Maybe they are right, maybe they may not be either, for it is really a matter of personal handling when it comes to our own matters.

I am handling things pretty well so far, and I agree, it does not mean that the bubble may never burst, but I am holding well. I tend to move back and forth between trust; where sometimes I have started to trust someone then I may hold back my trust again as though there is an invisible wall between us. I know all about trust; I have read all about them in books (yes, medical and psychology) and I know that the very fact I can even write and share about this, means I am not doing that bad yet.

It is all, again, just a matter of trust....

Waiting for Inspiration?

Inspiration is a word so commonly and widely associated with the notion of waiting for that idea or that lightbulb to just turn on or come flowing that just turns one on to full force to get working. Typically associated with art and writing, inspiration is often said to be the 'air' or the oxygen which goes through the passageway of the artists, writers, authors, craftsmen, etc into creating their work of art. There is often need for inspiration in this field, where the concept of the works are often abstract-based and requires originality and creativity.

Originating from the Latin word, inspirare, which means "to breathe into", the term inspiration is not just so commonly used but also simultaneously, misused at the same time. Many have said that they are waiting for that inspiration to strike before they can truly get on to producing their work, but exactly when can we expect inspiration to strike? I am not sure if anyone can tell you that in definite, but I would say the reason it is called inspiration is because no one knows, exactly, when it would come. It could be a day, a week, or an hour, or sometimes, maybe even months or years of waiting for that inspiration to just strike and knock us on the door. In the end, it seemed to me, that inspiration starts to end up in the wrong way, where they are often the cause when the work cannot be started or completed on time, due to, you guess it, the lack of inspiration.
I don't know, but somehow to me, it starts to feel like it was an excuse we use to conceal the fact that we are unable to just do something.

This is just my personal opinion, like say, myself, when I write posts or updates for my blogs, sometimes it takes time to complete posts in my drafts to be published. I could be waiting for inspiration perhaps, but most of the time, I was just really caught up with other stuffs in life that I just got carried away with the other priorities. So, is it really a matter of inspiration or am I just using the term as an excuse to get away with not completing my post or updating my blog? Is it a mere feeble attempt at getting away with procrastination, the real thief of my time and effort?
I would think that had I just force myself or just set that time to just sit and think seriously, I might be able to come up with something after all. Perhaps, or perhaps not, for the next thing that comes is that the work may not be up to my personal expectations, because of again, you guess it right, the lack of inspiration at the time that it was produced.
It is really funny, how inspiration is overly and almost constantly nailed as the culprit behind the times when we just didn't feel like doing something.

Inspiration is a breath, perhaps, I can say it in that way, but it is a matter of time when you wait for that breath and do we continue waiting? If everyone waits for that right time, that right idea to come along, I would bet you that there would be no monthly issues of magazines, nor are there advertisements in a very very long time. Worse still, you may only be treated to movies once in that blue moon (which is always a myth anyway). So, is inspiration truly the reason behind good works?
I would say while it does plays a certain part in contributing to the originality and perhaps the intriguing reality that appears in the work, most of the time, it really boils down to the effort when we are working on something.
Inspiration is supposed to 'breathe life into' something, and how can there be inspiration when there is nothing in the first place?

Had we been waiting on inspiration, I must say most of us would not be at work half the time....

Spare a thought for the festive season

How was your Lunar New Year, or rather your Chinese New Year 2014 celebrations been?
I am sure it must have been awesome; I was enlightened by the constant and instant updates of new photos throughout the festive celebration on my social media accounts (especially Facebook) of how everyone was enjoying themselves. It was definitely a delightful treat; not to mention refreshing, in the least when I see the vibrant lifestyle of most of the people posting details of their lives and their families and friends all on the blue and white page and to a certain extent, it even seemed like it was some sort of a competition with each sharing about how grand their dinner was, how exciting their activities were and even how beautiful their clothes were. It was not in a negative manner though; in fact, I even find it amusing and entertaining to be able to be kept updated of all my friends' lives at a click to scroll down the page.
I am happy to see the beaming faces and I wish everyone all the happiness as well.

I used to take the Chinese New Year in a rather nonchalant mood; meaning I am not really that excited about the festive mood as it approaches, and it was rather weird for children typically look forward to the season to put on their brand new clothes and shoes, and awaits the collection of red angpows (red packets with money) which brings extra pocket money to be spent or, in my case, to be saved in the little piggy bank (this is just a term referring to the coin box; as mine was a rabbit bank, and it was in my favorite pink color too). Perhaps it was due to the fact that Chinese New Year meant lots of homework to work on, and feasting on lots of takeaways or stored food and cookies which were not to the liking of my taste buds. You see, the Chinese New Year happens to be big deal back then among the Chinese community and it is especially so in a Chinese populated neighborhood where everyone takes a break from work to enjoy the festive season; including the morning/night markets, hawker stalls and even restaurants. The only ones which are left open would charge exorbitant prices for a simple meal; unless you go to a place run by Indians or Malays, or the other option would be the always fixed price fast food outlets.
Today is slightly different, and it is not that the Chinese New Year no longer matters, but the folks in business are now smarter to earn the bucks during the festive season when others are resting and then enjoy their break at the end of the Chinese New Year when things have resumed to normal. These folks are definitely enjoying the good fortune and prosper well during the Chinese New Year season, with a price increase in their food and drinks.

I remembered I was also not that fond of a lot of cookies or the festive goodies which many kids would run to, and squeal in delight as they reach their hands for that tin of Kuih Kapit or Kuih Bangkit, or even the chewy sweets. I, on the other hand, run towards the opposite direction.
Perhaps I was just weird, or I did not want to risk falling sick at all, or another simple reason, I hate how those stuffs stick to the back of my teeth and just makes me so uncomfortable, and for that reason, I've sworn them off. Weird, I know.
Well, I am still a normal kid who loves collecting angpows, although I typically only collect from my close relatives and I don't usually go to my friends' houses as I just don't find it that appropriate to be asking for angpows from their parents, even during the festive season. I just don't feel right about it; and this is just from my personal perspective. Another thing that I used to do during the festive season, is to finish up my homework and revise my chapters on the textbook. Sounds crazy, right? And I know you are just this close to calling me a nerd, or a dumb bookworm.
Maybe I am, I just love books, and I want to prepare myself ahead of class and to understand all the stuffs that I have been taught. Of course, I don't READ textbooks throughout the entire holidays, I still read my favorite novels more than the non-fiction.
Those were the memories of my childhood during the Chinese New year season.

As I grow older, okay, I am old now, I find myself anticipating the festivities and together with my brother, we would work together to decorate the house and help mum to clean up, and even buy the food stuffs for the reunion dinner or to store for the season. Reunion dinners previously probably just passed as a normal dinner as we always had dinner together every night. My dad used to tell us, "A family that eats together, stays together" which remains etched in my mind, and I strongly believe in this. No one dines first, then others dine later in my family. If we want to eat, we sit down at the table together and eat together, that is the rule.
Since I left for university and then later for work where I was based in another state, traveling home for reunion dinner became something which I looked forward to, as it meant I could stay at home and be with the family (which also meant being pampered and spoilt rotten) even if it meant just for a couple of days.
I slowly started to appreciate the theme of the reunion dinner as it was truly meaningful when the whole family gathers again at the table; chatting away happily and enjoying the food.

After I got married, I switched to sitting down for reunion dinner with my in-laws and it was a unique and enlightening experience to me, exchanging our thoughts and banter with my new family members at the table. I did miss my family, but I did know I could return for the reunion dinner on the second day of the Chinese New Year; a custom practiced by the Chinese society where married daughters are to return to their maiden homes to start off the year ("Hoi Nin" in Cantonese, or directly translated as Opening of the New Year). It was also another happy occasion; when I get to return. While it may seem like I was missing from the reunion dinner on Chinese New Year's eve with my family, I compensated by bringing an additional member (my husband) home for the reunion on the 2nd day. It is definitely interesting how the Chinese customs work sometimes.

As I start to revel in the deeper meaning of the Chinese New Year, I am learning more and more things and enjoying my experience as each Chinese New year comes and goes. I am now mingling with my new family members (maybe not so new anymore), and it is an interesting experience learning to interact with them and understanding their family background.
My family is not really a big one; but my in-laws had a slightly bigger family and there are even children running around. Reunion dinner was also really meaningful as my brothers-in-law and their families are based in other countries, and I could see the smiles and joy on my mother-in-law's face when they return for the celebrations. Such was the drops of contentment in a mother's heart.

This year, I was not that much into the mood, perhaps another sign of getting older, but I did some thinking and made resolutions in conjunction with the new beginning of a lunar year.
I have noticed the signs of age on both sets of parents, and it is evident that they are happy to see their children all grown up and independent nowadays. However, are we truly aware of the things they need? Of course money could help them to survive and buy the things they need to get by the day, but the thing that they would need most is the love and attention from their grown up children, and I wonder whether we have been doing enough, or are we just like the contemporary working people, just satisfying their kids' wants with money?

Besides the parents, are we all just merely putting on shows with the beautiful clothes, shoes, bags and hampers we prepare each year? Do we focus our thoughts on being thankful for our blessings; for being able to have new things to put on and place around the house? While we thank God for being able to afford the things we have, do we also think of those who are less fortunate out there?
Yes, it is good to be able to afford the good food on the table, the beautiful clothes on us and the fireworks to set off to enjoy the festive mood, but sometimes, I just wonder are we all just looking at the surface and merely pleased by the materialistic things in life? Or are we turning ourselves into self-obsessed beings; where we are focused on the things WE have, WE want, WE need, and WE must buy. It seems to be all about us, but when it comes to others, we tend to shy away or mumble a few excuses that we have just enough to feed our own.

Are we all being giving enough?
Festive seasons are not about the parading of the finest cloaks nor the most expensive silver on the table, but rather, it should be about a change deep within, and time to renew the relationship with the ones we love. Start to love ourselves, our parents and our families/loved ones and those around us, and slowly make a change. Confucius had also said in one of his literature that if we were to treat everyone around us like our own family, the world would be a much better place to live in. The same concept was practiced in Christianity where we would refer to one another as brothers and sisters.
As kids, we love to collect the red packets filled with money and when we grow up and gotten married, we are the ones filling those red packets with the money to be given to others. I have even heard of those who quarrel over the amount of money to be put into that red packet, and those who complain about the amount they received. Is that the spirit of giving and receiving in a brand new year?

When we put that money into the pocket, we should not be counting only the dollar notes, do fill it with sincere prayers and thoughts. We share and exchange the well wishes with each other during the festive season, and usually the younger ones(or the recipients) would wish the elders all the good blessings before receiving the red packet. Let these be real words from the heart, put some thought into it and wish from the bottom of your heart.
For those giving the angpows, return the wishes with a warm thought and smile, and also wish the recipients the wonderful things you can think of and hope for.

When you do good with a sincere heart and with a genuine intention, it can be felt with the heart and it truly shows on the face. Yes, that eminent glow on the face and a good feeling in the heart is all that matters.
All the beautiful things, food and clothes are just merely cosmetic decorations to enhance the joyous spirit of everyone in wishing for good things at the beginning of the year; hoping to chase away the bad from the previous year and hoping for a change. When the year changes, EVERY one wants changes in their life, and for the better, of course.

For things to change, one must first change....and remember, it always comes from the heart.
When you truly give and receive from the heart, and OPEN up your heart to everyone out there (loved ones and less fortunate ones), you will find that happiness and peace and good things will surely come.

Even the flowers will look especially beautiful when it blooms in full, as it comes from the heart.




May the Horse Year brings you much more joy and good things!~

Be Happy each day, or at least, 100 Happy Days!~

While I have launched my own personal project which is still on its way, I have also decided to take up the #100happydays challenge which is fast spreading like forest fire on the social media world.
There are just so many things we ought to be thankful for, and since life is short, why focus on the sad things in life.

It is also an extremely meaningful project which helps many to discover happiness, and to find that way to just smile each day.
It is a realistic milestone, with the 100 days set as the limit out of the 365 days but why limit happiness? It is even better to be able to outlive the 100 days and make it to being happy for the whole year. What an interesting ode to happiness this is!

There are many things happening out there in the world, and while we cannot predict what will happen next, the only thing that is within our control is our attitude and mindset towards each of the events unfolding in our lives. If we choose to embrace it with a anguish and sorrow, then it will set the mood in ourselves to be moody and grumpy. On the contrary, taking it in a stride, wiping away the tears and smile and tell ourselves, "It will get better" is definitely a better way to handle the situation and to send that cheerful strait down to our hearts.

I am happy, and I must keep it that way!
Will you?

#100HappyDaysChallenge

Great Expectations

"With great power comes great responsibility"
The phrase was constantly quoted and famously used to address many different situations; but more commonly in careers and personal development.

For many, a promotion at work or advancement in career means an incremental point in one's authority, loosely translated as the increase in power. This will lead to the many ambitious takes in strengthening one's position and by assuming their responsibilities; perhaps in the process, rushing with their attempts to put on many hats simultaneously. It is not surprising what a promotion could do to boost one's ego and pride as they guard that achievement to their heart and soul; looking forward to a better future as they pile on their goals to achieve more. They are proud, with that little milestone of success in their career path and even in life and it sets that positivity and encouragement to move one to do more to achieve further successes.
It is a norm; particularly among high achievers and the more they have, the more they want. They will stop at nothing to work hard towards their goal to achieve the success they have defined or mapped all in their minds. It is nothing negative; as long as in the process, one does not turn destructive or lose themselves in striving towards their aim.

For myself, I am too like that, as I love successes (well, who doesn't?) and I have set myself many goals ever since I was a little girl; pushing myself forward with every step to outdo myself. While many think that I can be hard on myself, and that my parents were probably behind the pressure I put on myself, it is not the case as I am blessed with great and understanding parents who never told me what I should or not do. It was within my liberty and I was given my own space for development and to pursue my own dreams. I was never forced into any stereotyped career choices because 'my parents told me to' or because 'it was good to me'.
For that, I am truly thankful for their support and encouragement for they told me that I could be whoever I want to be; as long as it makes me happy. In fact, when I was working hard towards my goals, my parents would even advise me to take a break and not to be too hard on myself. It was just me; I always wanted to push myself a little further and I wanted more successes for my own sake.
Perhaps it was due to this nature that I had often set high expectations for myself, and also in many things that I do or encounter along my life journey.

I had looked forward to many things in life; that there were times it seemed like I was being rather idealistic. But that would be a fast judgment to pass on me; as I can be realistic when it comes to life, though I would not deny myself harboring many great expectations in my life encounters. Perhaps I have had great opportunities working and meeting many great people and things in my life, that I could set their standards as benchmarks. Yet at the same time, I had reminded myself of the fairness and diversity in the people around the world and that no two people are the same. I have encountered enlightenment from these great inspirations but I have also been through major disappointments which I took as part of my life lessons.

I had made a decision when I was presented with a great opportunity and it seemed surreal of a materialization. Perhaps it was my own great expectations that it later turned out to be a great letdown as well, as I was led through a valley of ignorance and empty promises by people who called themselves leaders. I could not fathom how leadership could sank to such standards, and it beats me to how they made it to their position in the first place. You see, to me, a leader is not just a word or a standard term used to refer to people holding authority to me. I have my own definition of leadership; which does not stray that far away from the dictionary's definition. The general definition holds in that the leader should be leading and the guide but sadly, I have met people who thinks that being a leader means they are not to do anything at all but leave it all to others for it was far beneath their standards.
Perhaps they are not wrong; they were probably misled by their earlier predecessors themselves to have formed this idea of leadership.

I have been told that great expectations would usually lead to letdowns, and that once in a while, I should not set such high expectations. Maybe it is not fair to set high expectations to rate others, but for myself, I do want to aim and set to achieve that end goal I have in my mind; of course, in a realistic manner.
Things have fell short of my expectations and while I am learning to cope and picking up a lesson or two along the way, I have also asked myself questions and also immersed in thoughts to make a decision.
It may not turn out to meet my expectations, but I could definitely do something about rather than just resigning myself to an excuse that it is fated. We can control our destiny; although God does have His plans for us but our minds are there for a reason.

It is a trying time; and I believe that things all happen for a reason. While I am trying to build my perspectives around myself and deciphering my own decisions; wondering whether I have made the right or wrong decision and taking in the perspectives, I do not blame anyone or even myself when things do not go my way. Perhaps it was maturity. but when things go wrong, that is where we learn what is right.
Setting expectations is not a bad thing; in fact, it made me look at the world in different perspectives for there are many reasons worth exploring and life has so much more to offer.
A disappointment is only for a moment, but if I were to stay in that condition, I would have a disappointment out of myself, don't you think?

I will learn, pick it up and walk again, and forming more great expectations along the way....

My say?
With great expectations, come more great accomplishments ~ Christy

A Tale of Two Cities

I am a hybrid.
Yes, a hybrid who belongs to two different places or origins; one who could survive in both environments.

It was a unique term concocted by myself and a friend who was in the same predicament.
In fact, it was far worse for his situation where he had been moving from one home to another over the years since he was born and he had grown so accustomed to his nomad life that he no longer felt it was out of the ordinary. Only problem, he could not define or pinpoint that exact place he would call his home; or the place of his origins, as he had told me in one of our conversations. Of course, many would laugh at this and would hardly call this a predicament for the place of birth would be naturally referred to one's home. However, is that truly the accurate perception of home? What if the birth place was just where the labor took place while the mother happened to be in that place at that time of delivery? The child would grow up elsewhere, does the birth place still constitute the root of one's origins?
It all depends on individual perception as everyone tends to have their own stand on definition, and there is no right or wrong, for I remembered a saying that goes, "A home is the place close to the heart"
Therefore, any place which one regards fondly of could be where they called home. It is a place they longed to be and return to; a place filled with nostalgia and special sentiments that only the person would know of.

For myself, being termed as a hybrid was also because of a confusion spurned by people around me; especially those who had just gotten to know me. They could never remember where I truly belong, and just usually went with their own assumptions, which frankly, I do not attempt to correct nor even feel the least offended of being misunderstood. In fact, there is no misunderstanding or mistake for even I myself could not distinguish my homes from one another. You see, I was born in one state, raised in another, then returned to work and work brought me back and forth between these two states. I have families in both states; and frankly, both are equally as dear to my hearts and I do not ever want to decide on just calling one home. I am proud of having both homes; and that unique sense of familiarity. Furthermore, it was not only these two states which ran in my bloodstream as there is another state which held a slight spot, but I would hardly call it home as I had never been raised nor born in that state.

Being a hybrid is not a derogatory matter; rather it is a label I carry proudly for being able to call two homes to my name. I am definitely of a city breed as both states are cities; and I have been living in both cities for years now. Traveling back and forth between these states have slowly crept into my lifestyle and I have grown so used to it. It is funny how I tend to miss one state when I am in the other; though I long to stay in the state (or both states). Perhaps this is a case of mixed identities?
While one is a complex metropolitan city, the other is a fast growing city in its developments and to me, that is having the best of both worlds and that was probably the main reason I would never feel out of place in either state. (Though of course, in terms of the shopping malls, the metropolitan city definitely has the upper hand).

I have gotten used to the smaller city state; with the smaller geographical area and also the convenience of driving around. The smaller yet closer knit community was another plus point, and perhaps there was a better level of safety in this state as well which makes me feel less worried (though not fully off guard). Don't get me wrong, having grown up in a complex city, safety was never a thing to be regarded lightly and it always pays to be paranoid as the saying "Better be safe than sorry" is all that we have been taught in a city where crime rates are constantly on the rise daily. Working in the state was perhaps less hectic, due to the working attitude and warmth of the locals; not to mention the lesser traffic flow/congestion during the peak hours. Commuting around the state may not be convenient with public transport, and one may need to own their own vehicle but still, traffic was never a major issue (though there was a spike in the traffic recently, and especially during the holidays due to the popularity of the state as a major tourism state in the world - not only Malaysia and Asia).

Therefore, the traffic was the first thing which I jumped at on my recent return to my metropolitan city home for my latest job. While I was happy to be able to return to my loved ones, I quickly realized that my lifestyle and daily routine was about to take on a change. Long hours at work were inevitable, and I was used to it so it was not really an issue. My day starts early and ends late, and most of the time I am dead tired by the time I reached home. The main issue lies in the traffic. One would think that leaving the office long after office hours would mean lesser traffic but no, I remembered how I was once stuck in traffic jam on my way home even though it was already midnight. It was frustrating, especially when I only had a few hours left to sleep before I had to wake up again for work and while I am usually a patient person, that was perhaps just intolerable and unacceptable. Well, I can't complain much, since I am after all, based in a city with ever growing population. It was always about the traffic, then the other major issue was the safety. I read with horror at the sickening crimes taking place almost every other day that makes me sick to the guts. I wonder whether there is still humanity left in the world sometimes. I do have the privilege to travel back to the other home on weekends, and it was like a change from the hustle bustle of the highly complex city. Not that the other city is not bustling, but perhaps it was more homely, due to its smaller geographical area.

Despite the similarities yet stark differences shared by both cities, I still find them dear to my heart as I call them my homes and I smile in agreement when people tell me how blessed I am to be able to call two homes to my name.
I couldn't agree more, after all, that makes it all the more unique, don't you think?

I am a Hybrid....and I am proud of it :-)