Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Journey of Emotions

There are so many things which kept me away from this blog, as I struggle to turn away from a lot of things which have been bugging me for a while.
Although I kept mentioning this, I just could not bring myself to share on the emotional turmoil which took place and left quite an impact in my life (and probably lives of those dear to me).

That one thing that probably kept me from writing it out is definitely the emotions.
It is easy for one to say that they are upset, angry, sad, and disappointed but to really experience it in person is a totally different thing and I, for one, can vouch for that.
Not that we are born without emotions; far from it, we are all trudging our feet through this journey called life and with that, the emotional burdens which tag along with us as we experience the ups and downs in life.
To say that what I have been through was probably just a speck of a moment of heat, but I call that an understatement as it truly takes years of witnessing those events unfolding before me which formed my perception (not to mention emotional package).

I think the story is just too long; and probably may even need several posts if I were to put them here but I ask myself, is it even necessary to do that as I am not one who is always ready to spill on things from the bottom of my own heart. However, there is another thing about me where strong and heartfelt thoughts and emotions could fuel me to just write. Yes, I always find writing as a way for me to evolve and discover myself as word after word were born from the back of my mind.

If you are not into emotions, I would not really advise for you to continue reading this as it is more of my own way of spilling about things which I felt strongly about and is just getting me frustrated. There are many more things; bombshells which I am not even sure whether I would drop along the way and hence, this outburst of a post may just be too overwhelming or dramatic for some.

Where do I start? I am not sure whether there is really one particular topic that I could really begin with but I decided, hey, just focus on my own feelings and arrangement of thoughts and that should be it. I mean, this is my personal space and I get to do it any way I want; something which I would like to gain control of.

The journey was probably supposed to be one of happiness, bliss and joyful as I was about to step into a new realm of my own life; to be with my soulmate. In case you are wondering whether my newly begun marriage is on the rocks, no, this is not at all associated with it; it is just a reference point for the consequent events to be mentioned. If anything at all, my marriage was still beautiful and a blissful one that I cherish along with my loving husband and I intend to keep it that way.

I don't know whether there is something known as bad blood; but I am starting to believe that there is. There are just people whom I wished I was never born to be related to, and yes, surely I don't mean that? Well take it the way that it was meant to be; I certainly mean that previous statement. Why, oh yeah, funny one should ask as that was definitely an interesting question.
I appear as a cheerful, jovial and even extremely positive person, but yet, taking this words from me does not seem to match that mental image of me, and I don't blame you, even I am having a hard time believing that it was myself penning down those words.

It probably sounds harsh; but it's not, and if I could write a book, I would as it definitely need books to describe the whole history which churned today's events.
Anyway, back to those people whom I was supposedly related to, I felt that it was like a road to more and more nightmares and I may have grew up with them around me; a fact that I truly can't change but the tolerance slowly diminished over the years, never mind the respect.
I believe that respect is always earned, and not given, and I am proud of the proper education and upbringing by my wonderful parents who had done a great job and I have always respected anyone who is older than me. It does not matter whether they are really that much older, but as long as they are just older, I felt obliged to be respectful. A rather good trait, I must say.

There are times when I find that I cannot bring myself to respect certain people whom, I can see are just out there to stir problems and cause emotional and physical havoc, even to their own loved ones. I simply find the selfishness had crept into their hearts and that they no longer cared about others; although they used to share the same bloodline.
It is hard to fathom what goes through minds of idiotic characters like these; as their excellent pretense and acting skills just serves as their shield, making them so believable as what they make others believe that was their nature just puts Oscar award winners to shame.
It disgust me to even want to believe that I am actually related to these people.

I have a wonderful family; and I thank God for that, and I truly wished that I could say the same for my extended family. Even my in-laws were pretty awesome people whom I constantly thank God for their presence, and I am sure my parents too. While lots of brides-to-be shudder at the thought of their new in-laws, I did not sweat over it all as it just felt like being at home when I was with them. They treated me like their own daughter.
Yes, I just felt that I had to clear that cloud of thoughts in case those reading this post thought I was talking about my own family or in-laws.
They are definitely not the ones I am referring to.

I had to be a little discreet out of respect for the people I love; although it is not hard to refer to the people whom are of concern and mentioned here. While people have loving aunts and generous uncles, I gag or may even choke if one were to describe mine the same way.
In reality, there is just so much pretense and evil under that masks they were wearing in public and growing up watching them switch from character to character makes me believe that indefinitely.

To be fair, not all of them are like that, as there is still some good blood left and God's mercy was certainly clear in some of the rare, though loving souls who truly cared.
However, I am also sad that most of them are like that. I have seen it all; from the pretense to the grudges and even throwing tantrums/fits in public, is just a few to name and that is not the overall drama for I fear if I were to mention them all, one could probably die of shock reading of such nature among humanity.

Fake crocodile tears during a funeral, awful backstabbing words behind one's back, lame excuses made to evade an important family event, creating a scene in the event which means the world to someone, are just a few to name those ugly scenarios and I have tried, really, tried to just ignore but when it comes to hurting the people I love and care about, it is just the final straw.
Anger is inevitable at times, but I chose to just bury it for the concern of the ones I love but despite the cool and ignorance I display, I still find it so hard to leave it at the back of my mind or even to think of forgiving them for those mean things they have done. I ask myself, and sometimes even God, how can one forgive and forget so easily?
Being brought up a Catholic thriving on the faith and practising that of the good values God wanted for us, I was taught to always be able to forgive others and also to seek peace, but now, HOW do you forgive someone, or ALL those (not only one) who hurt you again and again although you did nothing to hurt them and yet, be nothing but nice and patient to them simply because they are elders?

Patience is a virtue but when tested again and again can run thin and I did not want to be disrespectful. I even ask myself, as mentioned in the earlier part, was it because I did nothing to stop them or tell them off? Or was it that I have been too tolerant, or that my family has always been the ones who tolerate and back off that they take advantage of the fact that we can cushion their acts of stupidity?

I envy people with friendly and close relatives whom they treat like part of their own unit family, without any reservation; one of those is my hubby's and also a good friend. True, they told me that there are also the ugly parts to look at in the family, but I just wish at least I had some sun rays like that once in a while which turns into a rainbow rather than constantly wanting to hide from those unforeseen disasters.
The Chinese have a saying that says every family has a book/Bible which is hard to decipher, and I do understand the reality of it all.

I have decided to keep this buried and never be taken out again; although I do not want much to do with those people again. It is the only thing I can think of doing best, as seriously, not to paint a saintly picture of myself but I feel surprised that I was not really praying nor wishing or hoping for something bad to happen to them. I don't even think of lashing back at them or asking God to punish them. Yes, they may have hurt and pissed me off badly, but I just want to leave it at that. It's probably best for them too. The only best thing I want for myself and my family is to stay as distant as possible; and best not even connect to each other anymore.
Perhaps some may think I am overreacting, or that I am not looking at a bigger picture, but this time, I truly think that enough is enough as it is not something which starts from a single event but from an accumulative of things happening for decades which made me so decisive today.
Perhaps one day, I may change my perception or I may find a place in my heart to forgive them, but that day is not today, or tomorrow or the near future.

I have traveled from strong feelings of anger to hurt and disappointment, and now I just want inner peace. I dread anything that may warrant for a meeting or gathering with any of those people, but I pray to God for his guidance.
Most importantly is that our family is united and that they are there to support and help me.
I have also found some true nature in the people around me at the same time; besides that of within the extended circle of the family but also among friends and people who truly cared even when they are in no way related to me at all.

I am not complaining nor bitching about things in my life; as I consider myself fortunate enough to have a lot of things in life and for that I am truly thankful to God and to my family who have been there for me. Perhaps we cannot expect everything to be perfect at all times; no one can be truly perfect and what's best is we know we are doing good things that are of no harm to others and slowly, time can heal everything.
I am thankful for the love surrounding me; and the people who are with me all the way because no amount of money can replace them in any way.

Anger aside, another journey I am ready to embark on is the one of love and happiness; as I walk together, hand in hand, with my soul mate and life partner to discover the whole new world before us.

There will always be various journeys; and the one of emotions will always tag along with us, filling the bag along the way with our life experiences as we encounters the ups and downs in our lives and I can never avoid that.
After all, emotions are what make us human...

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