A quote I have heard in the movie Black Swan, and it just kept repeating itself in my mind. It is definitely not the first time I have heard of it, as besides the movie, I have been constantly told by my loved ones; namely my dad and my hubby.
I am a perfectionist; ever since I was a little girl though I did not really realize it back then. After all, how do you expect a kid to know about terms like this? All I know is I wanted things to go my way in every detail.
I have been an achiever since I was little, striving to be the top in class and in everything I do. I must ace that test, get full marks on my art project, and all my answers must be correct in my homework. One may think that I came from a highly pressured environment and how my parents insisted on the ultimate academic results.
Far from that, in fact, much to the disbelief of my friends and lot of people who asked me about it before, my parents never once exerted any form of pressure on my studies.
In fact, they even told me to relax a little and though I should study hard, the most important is to have the balance in my life as well. I should not be too focused on achieving the best results, as what matters is the effort I have put and as long as I have done my best, that is already an achievement to them.
I guess it was more of a streak I had in myself; I just wanted to excel in what I do.
However, I did not really view failure in the same friendly way and tend to question myself over what had gone wrong and just would not the issue slide. Instead I would brood over it, as I felt that I was to blame over everything.
I know that I should learn about the mistakes and move on; yeah, it's easier said than done as things may not seem as simple as that.
While many may say that it is important to let go of the past and look to the future (trust me, I hear that more often than I hear my own name), I just find it a little hard to deal with.
It's funny that sometimes even I can tell people to let go, but I myself find it so difficult to do the same thing and I don't even realize it. Even my hubby constantly tells me to relax and to just let things slide and not bother about it; saying that sometimes it is not all about right or wrong, it is more important to see the lesson hidden behind an incident.
When I watched the Black Swan movie, I was a little surprised by how tight of a person Nina Sayers appeared to be as she strives to land the role of the Swan Queen and how she slowly became obsessed and even started hallucinating. I don't know about you, I was a little scared by that idea and it then struck me, "Was I like her?"
Have I been focusing on my success too much, and getting everything perfect that I appear uptight just like Nina in front of my loved ones?
Most importantly, have I been obsessed??
It frightened me to even think I was anything like that, or even close to being someone like that. Maybe I was not that obsessed to her extent, but what if I slowly became like that?
Letting go sounds like an easy to do, and one can picture it so easily like letting go of the strings attached to a kite. However, is it really that easy, mentally and physically when it involves our prized possessions; including our pride?
I know it's not easy but there is always the first step to try, and I am trying and learning about loosening up a little and then hopefully I will eventually be able to slowly put things behind me and move on, like it never meant a thing to me anymore.
Well, it is in the context of letting go, like most monks, priests and holy men often preach; telling us that whatever we own in this world is merely materialism and are not supposed to rule over our lives. However, it is still a feat to achieve being able to let go of everything totally. After all, can we really not do without money, food, home?
Is that really letting go?
In conclusion, I feel that letting go is learning to relax a little, and also to sacrifice for our loved ones to understand what is for the best.
It is still okay to have a little perfection and wanting to be perfect at times, but it should be moderated and there are times when I just need to learn that loosening a little may not be such a bad thing for health.