Thursday, March 29, 2012

The weirdest dream

I have been meaning to post this yesterday but feeling a little under the weather does not boost one's mind for an immediate guaranteed smooth and coherent flow of writing, and since I am a perfectionist of all sorts though not a procrastinator by nature; I made the decision, against all that willpower to delay writing this post until I feel better.

Well, I am feeling better today; though it was a little weird considering the little sleep that I had last night and it was not even associated with this dream as I barely remembered ever getting any sleep at all.
However, I blamed it on cups of Chinese tea I drank during my dim sum breakfast with hubby before work yesterday which probably sent torrents of caffeine rushing into my brain and activating the cells like a switch; creating my hyperactive thoughts throughout the whole of the night when I am supposed to be sleeping, like the rest of the world.
Anyway, I really did feel better today; no fever, although the nose did seem a little more runny than usual which I attributed it to the recent resurfacing of the old time nemesis named the haze. I am trying to recollect the memories from this extremely weird dream I had the night before last; where I just kept having this bizarre feeling when I was in the dream and even after I woke up.
No joke, I did feel the need to emphasize and up the queer factor of the dream here. It is not exactly of a horror nature; although I am not sure to place my finger on that unbelievable part of a prized possession I saw in the dream.

I barely remember much; to be honest, and I think most dreams are made to be that way as seriously, how many can really remember every single detail of your dream? Maybe once in a while; but every single time recounting to that last color of a detail just creeps me out and if you are a stranger to me, I would call that fibs to your face.

My dream started on a happy note, remembering it vaguely from the sequence; but it came to a part when I felt my finger hurting a little and then I watched my wedding ring totally exposing itself into the air.

 Okay, this is the part where I have to be really descriptive as I watched; with horror and utter amazement when my ring kind of just swiveled in the air and was totally exposing the insides and even the elements of the ring was totally flattened; giving no indication of the prior shape whatsoever.

What astounded me was how easily a ring could be just ripped like it was just made of some really light material of metal; or aluminium possibly! I could not believe my eyes; be it in the state of consciousness or in the dream it is still totally out of the world, which of course can take place in the fantasies of the dreamland. However, I just remembered feeling helpless and wanting to scream or cry as the ring just unraveled itself like it was totally a crap material and soon the whole thing was in a flat form!

 I have had many crazy dreams but never before something like this; okay, maybe all dreams were meant to be unique anyway.
 I know wedding rings represent marriage, and if dreams do tell us something; then I hope that the Chinese belief that reality is the opposite of the dream will come true. (Yeah, I choose to believe either side of the East versus West longtime battle; whichever gives me a more positive outlook)

 I love to decipher dreams and given my immense interest in psychology, one can only wonder why I am not a psychologist by profession (hmm, maybe I should consider that!)

It does not really need any explanation to account for anything, but rather to fulfill that curiosity of mine.l I will share my interpretation soon; once they are all figured out.

If you do know of anything or even had similar dream of such nature, do let me know, maybe we can discuss; though not our private lives, which are usually the main component of the manifestations of such mind games during our sleep.

 Whatever it really says, I am not saying I am going to abide by it, as I always believe in using my own hands and gifts bestowed upon me by my Creator (God) to make things happen and good or bad, it is always what we make of it, don't you think?

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A little under the weather

I felt really cold last night; despite being extremely busy with the activities that I fill my day with and I remembered feeling perfectly normal just like any other day.
However, the draft from the air-cond send shivers down my spine and then goosebumps started appearing on my hands and I even noticed my fingernails turning a little purplish, and I can tell you that only happens when I am in the office where the place is freezing cold with the A/C turned on the lowest temperature.
I turned off the A/C in the room and snuggled under my woollen blanket, and yet still feeling the chills which came from the windows on the other side of the bed.
My hubby could not feel it; and deduced that it was probably the rotating fan turning around in the ceiling although I felt that it was more towards the cloudy weather yesterday and that the temperature had probably declined.

Well, it didn't matter as I just kept feeling so cold and even today, I just made sure to keep myself warm with a wool knitwear; okay, not too thick or I feel weird given the sunny and tropical weather we have around here on certain days of the week. The weather has been a little crazy lately; what with the haze and the strong sun and then the clouds the next day and then dark clouds signaling the arrival of a storm but then they just got away with a short and sudden downpour which just vanished as quickly as it came.
Anyway, the weather surprises me and annoys me at the same time, and I just wished that it would either shine or rain; I mean, make up its mind as it tends to be really inconvenient for everyone on the road, or even at home as we bear with the high humidity in the air.

This morning, I still felt really fine albeit a little cold still, but it did not bother me until my appointment with my friend and she commented that I was a little warm as I was quite near here. It seemed that she could sense the warmth from my body, and then she touched my skin and she said it was just a little warmer than normal.
I was just telling her about how cold I was feeling the night before, and she just mentioned casually, "Maybe you are having a fever?"

Oh my, I can't believe that I never even thought of that possibility and hearing the words from her suddenly seemed to make sense although the word 'fever' was probably foreign due to its absence for some time; for how long, I can't even remember (it's supposed to be a good thing though) .
I am still striving to believe it, and now it seems like all the signs were evident for the last few days when I started having that disturbance with my nose; it seemed to be a little stuck and runny and I just dismissed it as effects from the lousy and hazy weather we get annually when there are forest fires nearby (did not help that the burning of paper paraphernalia in conjunction with the Chinese' yearly visiting tomb ritual going on at the same time).

Now, I am piecing parts of all the jigsaw puzzles; and even my body is reacting to confirm my, or rather, our suspicions. I am feeling a little tired, suddenly, although I did not do much today and nothing extensively physical, but I kept feeling a little heavy in my head and the bed seemed so welcoming to me; beckoning and opening its arms and there is nothing that I want to do but just enjoy the comforts of the slow pillow on my head along with the soft sheets behind my back while consoling my feet and hands at the same time.
Yes, the bed sounds more appealing right now compared to me tapping my fingers away to write this post...

I think I need to go lie down, just a little while...

Monday, March 26, 2012

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Taking a trip back to the old house; the house where I grew up with all the memories that formed the back part of my mind today was something which I had anticipated and had done so for a few times now ever since we moved to our new home. It was something that if one were to ask me many years ago whether it was even possible, I would definitely say no, because I felt like the house had belonged to us like forever. It is like we would almost die with the house itself and never leave it.

Sure, it is no Cinderella's castle, rather it was the humble abode of red roof tiles and a single-storey providing comforts of a home and acting as the strong shelter from the mighty storm and the darkness of night. It is the place where I spent two decades of my life in and grew up to be who I am today. There is just so much of me, not to mention of 'us' (my family) in this humble little house, now looking shabby, old and probably decaying from its former glory in the heydays. When I heard that the family is going back to the old house to pack and clean up the house to make way for our new inhabitants, I was looking forward to join in as there were some of my stuffs left behind in my old room as well. I can't even remember the last time I was there; although my best bet would be that it was more than a year ago since I had actually done anything when I was at the house. I did go back to the house last year, but I don't think I did much packing as I was just preoccupied with the planning of my own wedding for the whole of the year. I felt undecided on whether I wanted to go back to the house to pack sometimes; and I often ask myself the reason.
Was it because I did not want to deal with the cumbersome task of packing and tidying?
Or was it that I just did not believe that all those things, which amount to a lot, cannot be cleared in such a short time?
Maybe I just did not want to be reminded of the past, or look at the things which bring me back to the old days when I was just a child?

Perhaps all the above were the reasons and maybe I just refused to let the past just disappear like it was nothing into thin air; and packing up all the things means packing the memories and pieces of my life (and our lives) into the boxes and that would probably mean the end of the past. Of course, it sounds a little silly to me when I thought of it; the past don't simply go away just like that, when I pack them into the boxes as they will always be a part of me; no matter where I go or what I would become someday. It is the past which moulded who I am today, and that fact can never change, no matter what happens.

The feeling is indescribable as the house came into sight as our car drove into the road, and it is definitely even more touching as I entered the grounds of the old house and where I used to patter my little feet on. I remembered running around with my brother, and even enjoying cleaning up the verandah and the little garden for the festive seasons; especially during the Lunar Chinese New Year where we would help Mum with the plants. Oh, the creativity juices kicked in when we recycled some old red ribbons to tie around the thin branches of the plants in their pots, or even hanging old red packets (angpows) to signal the new Spring.
It was just the things we used to do in the garden; besides learning how to ride the bicycle for the first time and sitting there to enjoy the first few drops of rain when it had just started, just to name a few.

The old living room reminds me of the many times we sat together watching the old black box television and how delighted we were when we changed it to a new and bigger TV, and though it is definitely out of style today, back then, it was like a huge thing to have a new television in our house. We were taught to live a frugal life and saved on almost everything we could; so one can only imagine our happiness when we get something new in the house. Of course, I never did blame my parents for they have done nothing but the best to make our lives more than adequate and for that, I thank their hard work and efforts.
Dining hall with the turntable top was once filled with dishes rotating around the table as we reach out to take a scoop of each dish; while maintaining a live conversation with everyone at the table. Well, it was not like we have a big family and we always sat down together to have dinner together; or any meal, for that matter simply because my dad mentioned that 'A Family that eats together stays together', and it became such an important thing that we must have our meals altogether at the same time.

The shabby kitchen was once the place where the aroma of mum frying and doing her cooking fills the entire house before daddy gets home from work. On weekends, there is that joy of anticipating cold desserts from mum as she makes us grass jelly drinks, barley, chrysanthemum tea, herbal tea and even dessert soups like ginkgo nuts with barley, red bean soup, steamed egg pudding, etc. The main bathroom where many relaxing and comforting pelts of water trickle down our bodies, cleaning the day's accumulated stress and dirt from the day and in the midst of the sounds ready for a singing audition. Everything just looks the same to me; and I am amazed that even the paint and the tiles are all still attached.

The most nostalgic part was definitely walking into my own room; where I spent most of the time and days of my youth and penning my thoughts. Many great writings and stories were conceived in this room; not to mention the thoughts and inspiring ideas which sprung to mind when I was just sitting here inside my room. My books, bags, shoes, dresses and ALL my clothes (yes, I mean all) resided in the same space with me; and my room was not a huge one to begin with so one can only imagine how I had to organize my stuffs and also wedge myself in, through and out of the room. I guess I was partially there when I was finally in university; where about a percent or ten percent of my clothes went with me to find their place in the hostel's cupboard, but trust me, that did not solve my problem totally of inadequate space but I have lived with it, and it is funny, but it became a norm for me that I was just surrounded by so much stuffs. Books lined my study desk and even behind my dressing table; and I had lots more in boxes and not all of them were in my room (although I tried) as they were in the book racks out in the living/dining hall, but you get the idea, I am happy with the way things were. I grew up with lots of books of my own, and also those from friends and the libraries and all of them were read/completed inside this room. The room was also my messy wardrobe when I had to pick the outfit to wear to church or to go out with friends, attend an event or wedding dinner, and the list just goes on.

As I stood there, looking at the remnants lying here and there around the whole house, I was transported back in time to see how things used to be in the house and our hustle bustle as we got ready for school and work in the morning. Things start early inside this house; from waking up in the early wee hours of the morning on weekdays and then die down a little as most of us are out for work and school for a few hours and then we come back in the afternoon (if we are attending morning session of school), and things are still a little quiet but when evening falls and the family car pulls into the garage at about 6pm, things get busy as the TV is turned on, shower tap and kitchen sink run, and the sounds of the gas stove burning, sending the aromatic cooking scent throughout the whole house. It was just the typical scenario which repeats itself, day after day for almost two decades.

Looking back, we used to think that our house was not really as great or nice as others we have seen but I guess that is something we put behind us today. True, the house may not be as grand as a palace or as beautiful as those renovated/fully refurbished houses, but the house is what we call home.

It is here that memories were created, identities were moulded and ambitions were conjured.
That is something which cannot change, and to me, the house will always be a part of my past...and of me, and will continue to follow me wherever I go, reminding me of the good old days and when a snippet of memory comes flashing into my mind again, I will be taking that same walk, down the beautiful memory lane once again..and again...
It will never go away...and I don't ever want it to...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Package

I love having things arrive for me from the post; as they bear mystery and the thrill of something sent from someone who thought of me.
Sure, it sounded like a self-obsession and I highly doubt that credit card companies or any services which I subscribe to do intend to show me that they care, besides for my spending.

Anyway, it has been a while since I have really received a package out of love or something which is related to something that I love; besides all the brochures from eager companies as mentioned above but ten days ago, this landed in the mailbox for us.
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It was just so exciting; as it was addressed to both of us, but I guess we already knew who it could be from.
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This is something precious and important to me; as it may not be from someone who sent it as a gift, but the contents of these really contains memories of love which means the world to me.
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That to me, is enough to define my package of love..or sweet memories....

A Journey of Emotions

There are so many things which kept me away from this blog, as I struggle to turn away from a lot of things which have been bugging me for a while.
Although I kept mentioning this, I just could not bring myself to share on the emotional turmoil which took place and left quite an impact in my life (and probably lives of those dear to me).

That one thing that probably kept me from writing it out is definitely the emotions.
It is easy for one to say that they are upset, angry, sad, and disappointed but to really experience it in person is a totally different thing and I, for one, can vouch for that.
Not that we are born without emotions; far from it, we are all trudging our feet through this journey called life and with that, the emotional burdens which tag along with us as we experience the ups and downs in life.
To say that what I have been through was probably just a speck of a moment of heat, but I call that an understatement as it truly takes years of witnessing those events unfolding before me which formed my perception (not to mention emotional package).

I think the story is just too long; and probably may even need several posts if I were to put them here but I ask myself, is it even necessary to do that as I am not one who is always ready to spill on things from the bottom of my own heart. However, there is another thing about me where strong and heartfelt thoughts and emotions could fuel me to just write. Yes, I always find writing as a way for me to evolve and discover myself as word after word were born from the back of my mind.

If you are not into emotions, I would not really advise for you to continue reading this as it is more of my own way of spilling about things which I felt strongly about and is just getting me frustrated. There are many more things; bombshells which I am not even sure whether I would drop along the way and hence, this outburst of a post may just be too overwhelming or dramatic for some.

Where do I start? I am not sure whether there is really one particular topic that I could really begin with but I decided, hey, just focus on my own feelings and arrangement of thoughts and that should be it. I mean, this is my personal space and I get to do it any way I want; something which I would like to gain control of.

The journey was probably supposed to be one of happiness, bliss and joyful as I was about to step into a new realm of my own life; to be with my soulmate. In case you are wondering whether my newly begun marriage is on the rocks, no, this is not at all associated with it; it is just a reference point for the consequent events to be mentioned. If anything at all, my marriage was still beautiful and a blissful one that I cherish along with my loving husband and I intend to keep it that way.

I don't know whether there is something known as bad blood; but I am starting to believe that there is. There are just people whom I wished I was never born to be related to, and yes, surely I don't mean that? Well take it the way that it was meant to be; I certainly mean that previous statement. Why, oh yeah, funny one should ask as that was definitely an interesting question.
I appear as a cheerful, jovial and even extremely positive person, but yet, taking this words from me does not seem to match that mental image of me, and I don't blame you, even I am having a hard time believing that it was myself penning down those words.

It probably sounds harsh; but it's not, and if I could write a book, I would as it definitely need books to describe the whole history which churned today's events.
Anyway, back to those people whom I was supposedly related to, I felt that it was like a road to more and more nightmares and I may have grew up with them around me; a fact that I truly can't change but the tolerance slowly diminished over the years, never mind the respect.
I believe that respect is always earned, and not given, and I am proud of the proper education and upbringing by my wonderful parents who had done a great job and I have always respected anyone who is older than me. It does not matter whether they are really that much older, but as long as they are just older, I felt obliged to be respectful. A rather good trait, I must say.

There are times when I find that I cannot bring myself to respect certain people whom, I can see are just out there to stir problems and cause emotional and physical havoc, even to their own loved ones. I simply find the selfishness had crept into their hearts and that they no longer cared about others; although they used to share the same bloodline.
It is hard to fathom what goes through minds of idiotic characters like these; as their excellent pretense and acting skills just serves as their shield, making them so believable as what they make others believe that was their nature just puts Oscar award winners to shame.
It disgust me to even want to believe that I am actually related to these people.

I have a wonderful family; and I thank God for that, and I truly wished that I could say the same for my extended family. Even my in-laws were pretty awesome people whom I constantly thank God for their presence, and I am sure my parents too. While lots of brides-to-be shudder at the thought of their new in-laws, I did not sweat over it all as it just felt like being at home when I was with them. They treated me like their own daughter.
Yes, I just felt that I had to clear that cloud of thoughts in case those reading this post thought I was talking about my own family or in-laws.
They are definitely not the ones I am referring to.

I had to be a little discreet out of respect for the people I love; although it is not hard to refer to the people whom are of concern and mentioned here. While people have loving aunts and generous uncles, I gag or may even choke if one were to describe mine the same way.
In reality, there is just so much pretense and evil under that masks they were wearing in public and growing up watching them switch from character to character makes me believe that indefinitely.

To be fair, not all of them are like that, as there is still some good blood left and God's mercy was certainly clear in some of the rare, though loving souls who truly cared.
However, I am also sad that most of them are like that. I have seen it all; from the pretense to the grudges and even throwing tantrums/fits in public, is just a few to name and that is not the overall drama for I fear if I were to mention them all, one could probably die of shock reading of such nature among humanity.

Fake crocodile tears during a funeral, awful backstabbing words behind one's back, lame excuses made to evade an important family event, creating a scene in the event which means the world to someone, are just a few to name those ugly scenarios and I have tried, really, tried to just ignore but when it comes to hurting the people I love and care about, it is just the final straw.
Anger is inevitable at times, but I chose to just bury it for the concern of the ones I love but despite the cool and ignorance I display, I still find it so hard to leave it at the back of my mind or even to think of forgiving them for those mean things they have done. I ask myself, and sometimes even God, how can one forgive and forget so easily?
Being brought up a Catholic thriving on the faith and practising that of the good values God wanted for us, I was taught to always be able to forgive others and also to seek peace, but now, HOW do you forgive someone, or ALL those (not only one) who hurt you again and again although you did nothing to hurt them and yet, be nothing but nice and patient to them simply because they are elders?

Patience is a virtue but when tested again and again can run thin and I did not want to be disrespectful. I even ask myself, as mentioned in the earlier part, was it because I did nothing to stop them or tell them off? Or was it that I have been too tolerant, or that my family has always been the ones who tolerate and back off that they take advantage of the fact that we can cushion their acts of stupidity?

I envy people with friendly and close relatives whom they treat like part of their own unit family, without any reservation; one of those is my hubby's and also a good friend. True, they told me that there are also the ugly parts to look at in the family, but I just wish at least I had some sun rays like that once in a while which turns into a rainbow rather than constantly wanting to hide from those unforeseen disasters.
The Chinese have a saying that says every family has a book/Bible which is hard to decipher, and I do understand the reality of it all.

I have decided to keep this buried and never be taken out again; although I do not want much to do with those people again. It is the only thing I can think of doing best, as seriously, not to paint a saintly picture of myself but I feel surprised that I was not really praying nor wishing or hoping for something bad to happen to them. I don't even think of lashing back at them or asking God to punish them. Yes, they may have hurt and pissed me off badly, but I just want to leave it at that. It's probably best for them too. The only best thing I want for myself and my family is to stay as distant as possible; and best not even connect to each other anymore.
Perhaps some may think I am overreacting, or that I am not looking at a bigger picture, but this time, I truly think that enough is enough as it is not something which starts from a single event but from an accumulative of things happening for decades which made me so decisive today.
Perhaps one day, I may change my perception or I may find a place in my heart to forgive them, but that day is not today, or tomorrow or the near future.

I have traveled from strong feelings of anger to hurt and disappointment, and now I just want inner peace. I dread anything that may warrant for a meeting or gathering with any of those people, but I pray to God for his guidance.
Most importantly is that our family is united and that they are there to support and help me.
I have also found some true nature in the people around me at the same time; besides that of within the extended circle of the family but also among friends and people who truly cared even when they are in no way related to me at all.

I am not complaining nor bitching about things in my life; as I consider myself fortunate enough to have a lot of things in life and for that I am truly thankful to God and to my family who have been there for me. Perhaps we cannot expect everything to be perfect at all times; no one can be truly perfect and what's best is we know we are doing good things that are of no harm to others and slowly, time can heal everything.
I am thankful for the love surrounding me; and the people who are with me all the way because no amount of money can replace them in any way.

Anger aside, another journey I am ready to embark on is the one of love and happiness; as I walk together, hand in hand, with my soul mate and life partner to discover the whole new world before us.

There will always be various journeys; and the one of emotions will always tag along with us, filling the bag along the way with our life experiences as we encounters the ups and downs in our lives and I can never avoid that.
After all, emotions are what make us human...

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Perfection is about Letting Go

“Perfection is not just about control. It's also about letting go.” Thomas Leroy in Black Swan

A quote I have heard in the movie Black Swan, and it just kept repeating itself in my mind. It is definitely not the first time I have heard of it, as besides the movie, I have been constantly told by my loved ones; namely my dad and my hubby.

I am a perfectionist; ever since I was a little girl though I did not really realize it back then. After all, how do you expect a kid to know about terms like this? All I know is I wanted things to go my way in every detail.

I have been an achiever since I was little, striving to be the top in class and in everything I do. I must ace that test, get full marks on my art project, and all my answers must be correct in my homework. One may think that I came from a highly pressured environment and how my parents insisted on the ultimate academic results.
Far from that, in fact, much to the disbelief of my friends and lot of people who asked me about it before, my parents never once exerted any form of pressure on my studies.
In fact, they even told me to relax a little and though I should study hard, the most important is to have the balance in my life as well. I should not be too focused on achieving the best results, as what matters is the effort I have put and as long as I have done my best, that is already an achievement to them.

I guess it was more of a streak I had in myself; I just wanted to excel in what I do.
However, I did not really view failure in the same friendly way and tend to question myself over what had gone wrong and just would not the issue slide. Instead I would brood over it, as I felt that I was to blame over everything.

I know that I should learn about the mistakes and move on; yeah, it's easier said than done as things may not seem as simple as that.
While many may say that it is important to let go of the past and look to the future (trust me, I hear that more often than I hear my own name), I just find it a little hard to deal with.

It's funny that sometimes even I can tell people to let go, but I myself find it so difficult to do the same thing and I don't even realize it. Even my hubby constantly tells me to relax and to just let things slide and not bother about it; saying that sometimes it is not all about right or wrong, it is more important to see the lesson hidden behind an incident.

When I watched the Black Swan movie, I was a little surprised by how tight of a person Nina Sayers appeared to be as she strives to land the role of the Swan Queen and how she slowly became obsessed and even started hallucinating. I don't know about you, I was a little scared by that idea and it then struck me, "Was I like her?"
Have I been focusing on my success too much, and getting everything perfect that I appear uptight just like Nina in front of my loved ones?
Most importantly, have I been obsessed??

It frightened me to even think I was anything like that, or even close to being someone like that. Maybe I was not that obsessed to her extent, but what if I slowly became like that?

Letting go sounds like an easy to do, and one can picture it so easily like letting go of the strings attached to a kite. However, is it really that easy, mentally and physically when it involves our prized possessions; including our pride?

I know it's not easy but there is always the first step to try, and I am trying and learning about loosening up a little and then hopefully I will eventually be able to slowly put things behind me and move on, like it never meant a thing to me anymore.
Well, it is in the context of letting go, like most monks, priests and holy men often preach; telling us that whatever we own in this world is merely materialism and are not supposed to rule over our lives. However, it is still a feat to achieve being able to let go of everything totally. After all, can we really not do without money, food, home?
Is that really letting go?

In conclusion, I feel that letting go is learning to relax a little, and also to sacrifice for our loved ones to understand what is for the best.
It is still okay to have a little perfection and wanting to be perfect at times, but it should be moderated and there are times when I just need to learn that loosening a little may not be such a bad thing for health.