It's not that I am having writer's block nor that nothing happened at all in my life, but it's just that I was struggling to deal with a lot of emotions and things going through my mind and I just find it so difficult to pen them down in my journal.
It has been a rough journey in my mind, and one that I took to the depth of my hearts. I have slowly opened up and confided in my closest loved ones; and of course, my own newly wed hubby.
He is my best friend and the person I could trust with all my secrets and thoughts; never mind the old saying that a woman should not tell her husband everything.
It was good having someone around who understands, besides my own family who cared about me more than anything else in the world.
For the past few months, I have been surrounded by bliss and happiness after my own wedding but at the same time, there are also other negative feelings inset which people may not really know.
Feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, betrayal, sadness surround me, but the most of all these is disappointment and anger.
Yes, it is funny because I am never one who allows anger to just get right to me, but I just could not help it this round.
I have lost faith in some people along the way as well, and it is just contributing to the disappointment part.
I like to keep things bottled up, and this is no exception but the more the contents grew in the bottle, I suddenly felt like talking to people and my hubby and family are the first, followed by my most trusted girl friends (those I really really trust NOW and are my TRUE friends; actually more like sisters)
A lot of the things which happened probably started since I embarked on my wedding planning last year, although I often question whether things have always been this way all the while and that I was just too dumb to realize it.
People change as time changes, but not to this extent? I have been eluded by all their appearances all this while?
Maybe I have been warned beforehand by a lot of people who truly cared about me, but I just chose to follow my own path and not simply believe one side of the story, but NOW, I know they have not been wrong and they have been my real guardian angels all the way.
A long story may start as I slowly unravel my feelings and also some of the ugly truths about some actual characters of people around me (which I may try to cloud a little, although I don't know why I still need to protect their privacy)
Someone said that I seemed to still be living in a fairy tale world, and still behaving in a very naive way and perhaps I was just protected all the time. Well, maybe I was, or maybe I just chose to live in a happy bubble and not just dwell on all the bitterness of the world.
It is a choice to be happy or not, and despite all the above negativity surrounding me, I still let myself escape into a world where I allow myself to be happy. I do that by always believing in God Almighty and that there is always a reason for everything that happens.
I noticed there are people who will never understand that, and these are the people who are often into the comparing mode. They are always looking at what others have and what they themselves don't have, and at the same time, they just cannot comprehend why they are not able to have what others have. To me, that is just not being content with what they already have.
What is the main reason to compare?
Insecurity? Jealousy? Self-satisfaction? Loss of identity? You tell me...
It was appalling learning that there are so many of such people out there, and sad to say, somehow there are a bunch who are somewhat related to me.
Being judgmental is not me, and I don't like to judge but sometimes, there is just a thin line between judging or just feeling and I don't know how can I proceed to talk about this if I don't reveal and it would also all appear like I am judging at the same time.
I don't know, I am getting really confused at this point.
The last few months threw me into a daze as I slowly tried to figure out things and also coming up with reasons why those people behaved that way with me, but sadly, I just could not find reasons enough to justify their actions in any way. It was probably the toughest riddle which I ever had to solve.
It is true that time is the best healer, as now, I am already starting to let go of the past, as my hubby had told me to, and to allow them to take the back seat. It is no point holding onto the grudge because it just makes me unhappy, but I can say that it is NOT easy to forget everything, let alone forgive.
I have been hurt in not just one way, but in so many ways that I wonder whether I have done so much wrong in my life?
Everyone has to go through the ups and downs in their lives, and no one can run away from it.
I am hurt and disappointed not only by one but by so many people, that I have even lost the feeling of pain already. It may not be such a big deal to some other people, and sometimes, to make myself forget the negativity, I always tell myself that if I think I am in misery, what about the others out there who are in worse conditions than me?
Seeing people in their actual skins was a terrifying experience but after a while, it appears to be comforting as I finally know what lies beneath that seemingly perfect appearances. I felt relieved, to say the least, that I am finally not ignorant (that's a nice word, it could equate to being stupid as well) that I am now aware of who the so-called relatives/friends really are.
Comforting? Relieved to say the least.
The silver lining or bronze lining beneath all these is that I know who are the people who are TRUE and whom I can truly count on at any time.
This post is not to talk about the people who have been mean or caused hurt to me; but rather those who I truly treasure for having them in my life, or maybe I don't even know what I really want to talk about in my post here.
Perhaps I just want to release a little from my mind storage which have been clouded for a while now, and I believe will continue to be clouded for some time until I have finally let go of everything, and maybe, every-ONE.
God is always GOOD, as He did not just bring me to a difficult part but He also led me through it and showed me the good part of the difficulty.
Out of all that I have felt; frustration, hurt, anger, hatred, and disappointment, I have also found my own way and discovered the true values of love, faith, trust, and most of all, HOPE.
There is always HOPE, and I will NEVER give up...