Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Sleepless night

I lay awake last night; way past my usual bedtime, tossing from the right to the left while trying to shut my eyes to sleep. It wasn't like the ordinary routine where I would just need to close my eyes and then I would slowly drift to sleep. No, somehow I couldn't shut the thoughts in my mind or tell my mind to just wrap it up for the day and let me get to rest. It was like my mind was just not in direct synchronization with my eyes and my heart (literally, not medically) and there were just flashes of images and scenarios which just keep playing themselves like slideshows being put on the Play mode on the remote control when we are watching a movie. The only difference is, the Pause or Stop button does not seem to be working, even as I was trying my hardest to halt the entire stream of thoughts from continuing.
It seemed that the harder I tried, the harder it becomes for me to really shut my eyes and just go to sleep.
I guess, I just didn't expect it to affect me that much, especially since I have recently managed to recover my sleeping pattern.

It was not really good, I have been plagued with sleeping problems for a couple of months; and was periodically occurring since last year. While it was originally caused by the work stress and also the work which led me to staying up to complete my assignments, and then mentally planning and preparing myself for the next day each night before I go to sleep, it soon became embedded in the sleep routine which made it harder for me to go to sleep even after those stressful work periods. I told myself that it was just the momentary effect since I have conditioned my body and mind to that stage and it will only take time for me to re-condition and allow myself to just let things go and unwind and things will go back to normal. It did appear like it was according to what I thought; only that the sleep patterns were irregular and I just find that I was getting restless at the same time.
Many methods were implemented; trust me, I have tried everything and even chamomile tea which initially worked, just turned out to let me down much later, even though I didn't drink it every single day so as not to allow its effects to wear off eventually.

I have gotten back to sleeping better over the past few weeks, and I knew that it is a good thing for my body and mind to really get that rest it deserved, and not think too much before my bedtime, which is what I always do (oh well, I don't just think before my bedtime, I just keep thinking, like, all the time!).

Last night was probably not because of any other issue, but it was more of something which was more of a thinking dilemma, only it did involve a little more than that. Somehow, I could not help thinking about the past, the present and the future and linking them together. There are just so many things which kept plaguing my mind to the extent of a decision that I was stuck in a dilemma. At the same time, there was just a slight feeling of hurt and disappointment which crept into the heart because this time, it involve not only a decision but rather, a perspective and a point of view that made me wonder, whether I have been too silly to believe what I thought was the truth all the while.
I couldn't help it, the sneaky little thoughts from a tiny voice just kept seducing me to question the very root of my trust and faith in the person and the situation in which I had been believing all this while. Have I been too naive and trusting again, to think that things were the way it seem?
The recent incident seem to appear otherwise and try as I can, I can't seem to justify the reason for the thoughts which just crept its way into my mind and into the heart.

I wished I had an answer; and perhaps that was what I was probably doing, keeping myself awake in the process, trying to come up with the answer or the justification to explain what is actually happening, and I am not sure if I am able to even convince myself. It is hard enough trying to understand the situation and worrying about the direction I want in my life, but matters of the heart and relating to trust are just never easy to decipher. I want to brush away the hurt, for I believe it could only be a perception formed on my side.
I want to believe that it not the case; that I have been overly involved in the thoughts of what I perceived and that it was just a misunderstanding. I want to believe so badly, even though I have no way to prove whichever is wrong or right. I know deep down inside, it is not as bad as the worst case scenario I have imagined and that, was indeed a case of just an extra inflated balloon.

It is a wonder I can get any sleep when my mind is filled with so many thoughts pacing back and forth, and with me physically turning over from left to right, right to left and staring at the ceiling.
The thoughts are coupled with that tinge of hurt which I just could not explain, because I did not want to explain and I just want to let it be.
It hurts because I cared; and because I had let my trust and naivety take over, and I am now doubtful if it was truly well-deserved or was I just believing in someone non-deserving?

I don't have all the answers yet, and I may never have all the answers...I may need to wonder my whole entire lifetime, or I could just go up to the person and ask, but will I still be able to believe or again dissect the answer and the way it was answered to my thoughts? I don't know, perhaps what they say is true, Ignorance is Bliss....and maybe I should never need to know, to maintain that original positive image I have formed.
I don't know....I just think, I need to stop thinking about it...and let time and nature takes their course....


  1. ignorance is totally bliss.

    i hope you get some shut-eye soon. it's a terrible thing not being able to sleep. :(

  2. Jun, Hello there! Yes, I totally agree....it's bothering me :-(
    It's like a vicious cycle, I lose sleep and then I recover, and then it comes back again out of the blue....maybe I need to seek medical help sometime, just to see if there is any other way besides sleeping pills (I don't ever want to go to that route)...